The power thing ... men are quite descriptive about what they want beforehand, quite explicit, they ask what do you do - anal or oral, do you kiss? - which isn't like in a relationship, I suppose. I don't mean power like humiliation, just setting the rules. A lot of them think all women are for sale. A client offered me $5,000 if I would kiss him, and I said no, I can't. I don't do kissing, never have. He couldn't believe it.
Most of them love their wives, there is just something they can't get. I never consider for a minute that the man is being unfaithful. It isn't emotional at all, just providing a service. If I was married I would rather see my husband go to a hooker than have a one-night stand with someone he picked up in a bar. Then he would have to woo her, think of what she wanted. With a prostitute that doesn't come in to it. You have an hour and that is it ... he wants you to leave as soon as possible. There are no cuddles, no intimacy.
Sometimes they show you pictures of their wives and kids, you feel like a social worker. They tell you their wives don't understand what they want, like oral sex, for example. A lot say they have never done this before, they say they are just lonely and want the company. So you start with a massage and then they say what they really want. A lot don't want intercourse. I think they draw a line, having oral sex is not being unfaithful.
A lot of big people come into the club where I used to work, international movie stars, Asian royalty. Some of the girls used to boast about it but it makes no difference to me. When you close the door after them, you forget them anyway. The only thing you really notice about a customer is the level of hygiene, the way they talk to you. I'm sure the only thing that went through Divine's mind was that she could charge Hugh Grant more because he had a nice car.
Most wives would be surprised. They might think their husbands are unfaithful or they have one-night stands, but they think prostitutes are dirty and immoral. If Liz Hurley [Grant's long-term girlfriend] thinks it is her fault, she is just being insecure and not looking under the surface. She is assuming that sex is meaningful but for a lot of men, and more and more women, it doesn't mean anything.' Mark is 28 and has been going out with Linda, who lives in California, for six years. In that time he has used prostitutes more than 20 times.
'IT IS a long-distance relationship but long-standing. Using prostitutes goes back a long way, before the relationship. I first went after a relationship had gone bad. I was really cut up about it. So I went into a bar in Bangkok, where I was on holiday with some mates, and there were these girls dancing in bikinis. I have always liked Asian girls and I knew I could sleep with them.
What a lot of people don't understand about the situation here in Asia is that it isn't just business, like in Europe or the US. She's not just a hooker, she's like your girlfriend. You do get some who do it for the money but 80 per cent aren't like that. They genuinely like you.
I did go with a Hong Kong girl once and that was awful, she watched TV throughout the whole thing. I nearly gave it up then.
It isn't to do with paying for it, if all experiences were like with the Hong Kong girl, I wouldn't do it, or if they wouldn't kiss, for instance. I suppose it is all to do with building walls.
I'm trying to escape the reality of relationships that have ups and downs. I can't handle the downs. I am very loyal to Linda, it's just I have the Japanese philosophy to sex: it's functional, just an animal desire. I didn't want another girlfriend but I wanted sex and she wasn't there. I wasn't tired of Linda; I was tired of having sex with her. But I think if she had been here, I'd break it off before I did anything. I never thought about her when I did it ... maybe the first time, but not after that.
I don't worry that she'll find out. I think, deep down, she knows. If she did find out, she wouldn't be surprised. She knows everything about me. I don't feel guilty because guilt is a negative thing I can do without.
If she said stop, I'd stop. But the position I'm in now, I can't stop so I can't commit myself. I wouldn't carry on after marriage though, but I'd buy [pornographic] videos if I got the urge.
I do identify with Hugh Grant, yeah. He likes sex with strangers. I wouldn't do it in a car, but I'd do it with Divine.
I never think about AIDS, infection ... I don't always use condoms with prostitutes. It all depends on your philosophy of life, I don't think I've got it [HIV]. It's a problem, you should have a blood test before you enter into new relationships. But I'm not going to.' Deborah was married for 11 years when she found out her British husband had been regularly seeing prostitutes on business trips to Bangkok. They subsequently divorced.
'WE HAD been married for a long time and I found out he had been seeing prostitutes, often without using protection and no protection with me. The worst thing was knowing he had put me at risk of contracting AIDS. In court for our divorce hearing he said our sex life was brilliant but that seeing prostitutes was something else. He told me: 'Everyone does it, nobody feels the way you do any more - it's an anachronism.' I was stunned. I thought he was a loving husband. He was remorseful, eventually, but I couldn't forgive him. Absolutely not. It's beyond morality; it is dangerous.
When you find out the man you slept with - who you thought was a good husband and father, who held your hand when you went for a walk, who your friends describe as being besotted with you - has been doing this, he becomes a stranger. It was my most intimate relationship, based on trust, and that was shattered. He had no right to let me think I was in a monogamous relationship.
If he had come to me and said I love you but I want try something new, then at least I could have made a judgment. At least I could have made a choice. Some women would say, 'OK go ahead, at least I know what you are doing.' Most men justify it when they get caught because they don't want to lose what they have ... and to mitigate the shame they often feel. I spoke to one of the friends he used to go to brothels with, and he said, 'Why make such a fuss? We don't even know these girls' names.' I don't feel angry against prostitutes. I think it is tragic, these girls are victims. Imagine the scenario, some lovely 17-year-old Thai girl and a smelly 45-year-old gweilo offering them $50 for oral sex. How many girls with free choice would do it? A lot of men befriend prostitutes in Bangkok, and each of them thinks they have a special relationship with that girl. It's pathetic.
My husband found it thrilling and exciting to take a young girl and pay her to do whatever he liked. He didn't have to worry about pleasing her; she was his sex slave. He thought it gave him control and power and his ego got a tremendous boost.
I do understand the argument that it is safer than an affair, there is no emotional commitment, but it is still a betrayal from a weak person.
One of the things with going to prostitutes, I understand from experts, is it can become addictive. Men think being with loads of prostitutes makes them experienced but in fact it is the opposite. The more you do it that way, the worse a lover you become.' Psychiatry lecturer Dr Ng Man-lun is nicknamed Dr Sex for his outspoken theories about married life. Last month, he recommended that one way for marriages to work was for both to accept other partners.
'WHEN a man goes to a prostitute he doesn't have to bother with courtship, it is a much simpler way of getting sexual satisfaction. Even for someone very attractive, like Grant, who has a partner, this kind of commercial sex can be appealing. And sometimes when you are away from home, it isn't easy to find satisfaction elsewhere.
It doesn't automatically mean there is something wrong with a relationship; even if a man goes to a prostitute it doesn't mean he doesn't love his wife. The only reason women don't do the same is that they don't have as much chance as men in present society, but given the same chance I think they would.
I don't think having a mistress or a prostitute can save a marriage, it is just a symptomatic treatment of a temporary problem. Couples have to face the problem first and then decide if a mistress is the solution. What I propose is mutual consent, with both partners knowing what is going on.' Nia Pryde is a clinical psychologist who deals with patients with sexual problems.
'THE Hugh Grant affair sounded a bit like sex to me. It is a likely situation ... he was separated from his sexual partner. It is also a question of availability. In Asia when you book a hotel room in some places, you get offered a girl as well, which puts men in the position of having to decide about something they wouldn't normally consider.
In a regular relationship, you have to look at the attitudes of a couple, in some, paid or casual sex is OK. People can switch off - men in particular - and think of sex as separate from intimacy. I'm not sure if that is true but it is highly unlikely that Grant was thinking of Liz when he picked up Divine ... unless they had just had a bust up. Perhaps he was just preoccupied with his sexual needs.
There is a very fine line between buying sex and promiscuous sex, both are completely detached and pretty superficial. There are a whole range of men who patronise prostitutes, young ones who don't have partners and older men. Many just feel more comfortable asking prostitutes to do unusual things than asking their partners.'
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